Submerged

It has been long since my last blog post.

Over the past 3 years, I have been pursuing my undergrad studies. Sometimes I blogged and said how I want time to pass and how much I yearn for the working life. Studying was never my kind of thing and trust me when I said I had a tough 3 years. When results were released, I could feel a tinge of relieve off my shoulders. And now I did it, I have completed my degree. 4 months on into my job, I'm still proud to say I don't miss school, at all.


Blogging is the only way I can share my thoughts now. A lot of things happened to me over the last 3-4 months. Things that I wished it should have never happened but it did. Things that are so traumatising that it should not happen to anyone ever. I never saw it coming, but it came and shattered my life so badly that I have never felt lower. The worst part is, you came and crush those pieces you broke by telling me you can't do this no more.

Sometimes I felt like a fool when being lied to again and again. Yet I told you we can rebuild and you have to make me trust you all over again. You needed time and I gave you. I came over to your place but you said nothing. Yet I was questioned on my actions as if I was at fault. The person who did wrong is not me, and why must I be the one paying for it. It's unfair. It's hurtful and I am so disappointed.

Perhaps you've got your head turned, I don't blame you. But why want the best of both worlds? You were a victim of it and you knew how it would have felt to me. Why did I deserve all these? What have I done to deserve all these? and, why did you do it?

I felt anger, disappointment, and betrayed. Yet my heart yearns for the 'you' that I have known. The 'you' that will cling on to me like a baby. The 'you' who will ask for your milo and your prawns peeled. The 'you' who will make little things and comes out with surprises very now and then. The 'you' who love me so much. I miss you, I love you.

You said if I love you, let you go.

I will.


The song that describes everything I feel right now.

安静 - 周杰伦

只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天 
睡着的大提琴 安静的旧旧的 
我想你已表现的非常明白 
我懂我也知道 你没有舍不得 

你说你也会难过我不相信 
牵着你陪着我 也只是曾经 
希望他是真的比我还要爱你 
我才会逼自己离开 

你要我说多难堪 我根本不想分开 
为什么还要我用微笑来带过 
我没有这种天份 包容你也接受他 
不用担心的太多 我会一直好好过 

你已经远远离开 我也会慢慢走开 
为什么我连分开都迁就着你 
我真的没有天份 安静的没这么快 
我会学着放弃你 是因为我太爱你 

Mugged

Sorry I fucked up.

2012

I know I'm late but HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! 

2011 had pass us by in a flash, it was one of the fastest year I ever experienced. And in a flash, I'm half-way through my university education. It motivates me at the thought that I'll be graduating next year, I'm looking forward what the future holds for me, and my loved ones. 

I wrote down some resolutions as part of the celebrations with Barron and Joanna last year. They included

1) I wish my family bond will be closer. 

Fair enough, I guessed we did grew closer but much still can be improved in 2012.

2) Improve if not maintain my school grades.

Sem 2 and 3 results are not bad! But much more can be done in 2012. 

3) Treat friends with kindness and compassion

Personally, I always wished I can become a better man, and have to improve on my interpersonal skills. I hope I didn't offend any one in 2011! And 2012 will be a better year!

In 2012, I only made one resolution. Shall reveal it comes 2013! =)

And I found that someone I was looking for. And I want to thank her for giving this relationship a chance. My life has since been way BETTER with you around. Ever since being together with you, you had made the difference in my life. Action speaks louder than words, and I'll give it all just for you. Thank you Stephanie. 

We had solid fun at Genting! Gosh we must be crazy attempting to take jumpshots and videos in the middle of the night in the freezing rain! 

让你妈妈扭一下

Exams are officially over once again. A big thanks to my classmates who never fail to distract me sweets, food, drinks, snacks, tidbits, hotdog, kopi, fish ball etc etc during the study break. Yet they are the same people whom was with me to take on this battle face on. I'm sure all of us will do well and hop on to next sem. =)

This sem had been overall quite difficult. It started well but it ended up in frantic rush. Let's recap. 2 orientation in the beginning of the sem was fun & enriching and eventually led to joining the Student Council. Not to forget the 5 assignments that was due one week after another. And to only received the assignment results less than 1 week before exams that painfully up the pace for revision, especially HMT. Speaking of that, the worst result came from HMT, I only literally JUST PASSED that assignment, that means there was no allowance or so if I screwed up the main paper. It's a paper that sent chills down my spine by just remembering the names of the people. In case you're wondering, HMT stands for History Of Management Thoughts.

Adam Smith - Robert Owen - Charles Babbage - Charles Dupin - Frederick Taylor - Frank & Lillian Gilbreth - Henri Fayol - Max Weber - Mary Follett - Elton Mayo - Chester Barnard - Abraham Maslow - Douglas McGregor - Frederick Herzberg - Kurt Lewin - Peter Drucker - Hawthorn Study - TQM and a few more I've already erased from memory. So imagine you study their names and their work. So if you think secondary school or A level history was bad, think again.

Back to reality, I'm still going through the recuperating phrase, that is to reformat my brain and return it to normal. 24 hours plus of sleep since exams ended 48 hours ago was good, but not good enough. I need more. Sleeping is the best way to take back what you've lost during exams. Hey did I mention eating? No? That's because my gum right behind the last tooth on the lower jaw is swollen right now. I sincerely hoped it's not wisdom tooth and just pure heatiness due to exam stress or something else. It's irritating me cause I can't eat, speak and SING normally right now. I had to spend 30mins to finish a bowl of instant noodle and even had to ask my mom to chop dinner nowadays into fine pieces so I can grind the food with my tongue against my teeth on the other side. I can't chew. At least it's getting better now but it still feels as though some food is stuck in between your teeth and the gum. Just hope it can recover on its own.

It's the month of November and that means birthday is coming. I will be 23 in two weeks time. Oh how time flies. I don't celebrate birthday so everyone please if you remember me, at most just send me a Happy Birthday text will do. =)

November also marks Jay Chou new album on the special date 11/11/11. Well his new songs are totally awesome. My pick for those that had been released are: Ni Hao Ma (How are you?), Pi Ying Xi (Shadow Puppetry) and Mine Mine ( the dance damn awesome!). Anyway Ni Hao Ma is really touching. It's a simple song yet it's again the awesome lyrics that blow my mind cause I can relate it to personally word for word.




 
墙上静止的钟是为谁停留
 是不是和我一样赖着不走
你说故事已经结束 很久
我忘了　向前走
我努力假装现在过得很好
现在的你看来已不需要我
也许在不同的时空 还牵着　你的手

想知道你真的过得好吗
没有我也许是种解脱
将思念穿梭在宇宙数千光年
悄悄到　你身边

现在我试着习惯一个人过
也许你已经开始新的生活
陪着我的叫做寂寞
陪你的　是谁呢？


也许在不同的时空 还牵着　你的手

Words in pictures,

worth more than a thousand.

Devotion

This will be probably the last post till exams are over. First thing to note: I'm totally unprepared. The first paper commenced on 25 Oct and guess what, that means there's only 15 solid days for me to revise everything.

It's sad to see how a friendship can start to drift apart in a matter of few days. It's even worse when you don't know what exactly went wrong. There are many things I can joke with and play around with but one thing I won't take lightly is kinship, friendship, relationship. I believed no one has ever heard me joked about these 'ships' related stuffs before and that's because I do treasure them. Not everyone treat it the same though.

I can be there for my friends everytime and for everything. I don't expect you to do the same but certain things people do can even be down to the issue of basic courtesy. That's very disheartening. It makes you question whether all that has been done is worthy, and if people treat any form of relationship casually, we can't blame them if they choose to retreat or even step out of your life. Just think about it.

我知道你我都没有错
只是忘了怎么退后
信誓旦旦给的承诺
全被时间扑了空
我知道我们都没有错
只是放手比较好过
最美的爱情回忆里带去


sometimes we just forget to take a step back
i will now... stepping out.

Substitues or Complements?

Just completed and submitted the last project for this sem, I'm pleased with the end-product but trust me when I say I don't feel secure about it. And it might be only 1500 words, the research is heavy and it's not doubt one of the most tedious work I had ever been through. Good to know that this module will be taken out for the future batches.

How would you feel when things we do, things we said that is not appreciated by others? Perhaps I shouldn't care so much so that the disappointment wouldn't set in so deep. Yet sometimes I smile to myself, shake my head, and that voice in me says "I can't". Haha, stupid or what. Your call.


Don't do things you don't want others to do to you.

Hello, tell me you know, yeah, you've figured me out
Something gave it away
And it would be such a beautiful moment to see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
'Cause you and I, why we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better than you and your boyfriend

Well, all I really want to do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me

Well, how long can I go on like this, wishing to kiss you
Before I rightly explode
And this double life I lead isn't healthy for me in fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all
Well, baby there's a lot that I miss in case I'm wrong

All I really want to do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still cant say it after all we've been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me

If I should be so bold, I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
Tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said a word I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again

Same but different

2 mid term test - DONE!

Today paper is not as tough as I would expect it to be. But after comparing the answers, I'll be happy if I can get 15/20. I'm glad that P&M has 2 mid term test amounting to 40% of total marks. I wouldn't really want to spend a lot of time on this modules, but rather focusing my time on others such as ER! and HMT!!! =X I heard these 2 are the killers modules this sem! Not to mention we will be taking OT next sem!

5 assignments - 4 DONE!

I'm aiming to complete my last assignment by the end of next week. It's not going to be an easy one despite only required 1500 words. Hey, I've completed 2 x 2000 words individual essay already okays. One last one at 1500 words hopefully doesn't hurt. HEH Never doubt yourself and your ability to shine. =)

Sometimes I envy those people whom are born into rich family and grew up with a silver spoon. But yet sometimes I'm glad I didn't want to be like them cause I don't know if I will still be who I am today with that kind of upbringing. I might grow up as an arrogant kid, taking things for granted and never aim to achieve anything besides spending my parents money.

I want to be self-sufficient in the future, I aim high, I have high expectations for everything I do, I feel motivated when I achieved things especially I don't have the very same resources, and it will challenge me to do better each time. In case you're wondering, I'm not a money-minded person, materialistic gains are not what I seek, self-actualization is what I'm after. Yet, I can't deny that I do need money so I can give my family a good life, thats my motivation for working hard. I'm driven by the fact that I can't afford to make mistakes, can't afford to fail.

Clouds

I'm really amazed at how time flies. I'm caught off-guard when I looked at my time-table realizing that there's only 2-3 more lectures to go, and then it will be the much dreaded study break again. I foresee everyone of us working harder this sem due to the crazy contents loaded in the modules. Exams is coming in approximately one month time and that works out to one week per module to revise and not to forget, there's still one more assignment to due in 10 days time. Each sem in RMIT just seems to be tougher, harder, BUT I'M LOVIN' IT! 

Call me crazy, call me a lunatic, I really love when stress are built upon me, I like the challenge to see how far can I go without breaking down and motivated by how much higher the threshold can go. And though I might complain, sometimes whine about why is there so much things to do yet so little time given, but hey! isn't that's what everyone else does?

You know as much as I can handle what's going through my mind, I'm not equally adept when it comes to handling affairs of the heart. Ah never mind, shall not elaborate it today. 

The Forgotten Smile

It's not easy, to be me. How true is that? There are problems affecting me which I can't share, I can't tell. What I've been going through these one year plus is HELL with so many things happening, if not all, mostly are negative. The constant question of myself pursuing further studies is ringing in my head, whether had I made the right choice or not. School is fun, school is enriching, but just how many sacrifices are there behind the scene? I want to work, I want to earn money, I don't have a choice. Just when will I be really FREE?

I was on the verge of breaking down this morning. I had to withstand the heavy pressure of how this cruel reality is treating me. However I know this is what's making me stronger each time, everytime. Don't blame me for my lack of emotion, my lack of feelings, my lack of compassion, my lack of sympathy, I cannot afford to have emotions.

Sometimes I wished there's someone there, someone whom I can trust to share my life with. Yet once again I know I can't give this person anything in return, I have to be fair. Everyone yearns for love, but not everyone deserves it. Do I? Can I? Will I be able to give happiness or am I just a liability with nothing to my name, nothing in my wallet?


Would You Be There?

Experiences

In midst of all the projects going on, namely ER HRM HMT individual essay + HRM HMT group projects, I went for 2 Freshman Orientation this sem. The theme was Around The World In Two Days, filled with games, fun and laughter. Met a couple of new people, and glad to know that nice people does exist afterall. The first FOC I participated was as a OGM. Along side Michael, Bevan and Sandra, our station was one of the dirtiest and wettest, and despite the combination of the hot unforgiving glaring sun, that station was a BLAST! and everyone seems to enjoy it! As the game masters, I believe all of us had our fair share of fun too

The second FOC was slightly different, I was the OGL this time. I've to admit I've never lead an OG before so I wasn't sure what was right to do or not though I had tons of experience within NCC few years back. Those days were more regimental and serious, while this was more of bonding and friendship building. I didn't want to exert any form of authority upon these freshies and instead wanted them to create their own identity. Ultimately, they are the ones who are going to be classmates and go thru thick and thin for the next 2-3 years.

Ok. Time for projects. BUSY BUSY!

Rain Over Me

BLINK OF AN EYE. It's 3 weeks since school start, and not to say we're being bombared by the weight of the assignments. I have 5 projects to complete this sem and guess what, i've completed NONE yet. All the best to me. Abit lazy to continue today, shall give a more updated one next time. =)

Individualism

A big word to be discussed today.

individualism
noun
1 the habit or principle of being independent and self-reliant.
• self-centered feeling or conduct; egoism.
2 a social theory favoring freedom of action for individuals over collective or state control.


I always emphasize on one thing: to be your own. What does that really mean? Personally, it means to be able to think for yourself, act on your own will. Easier said than done, few people are able to achieve it and I'm still trying to get there. There's a lot of times whereby our choices are affected by others. A good solid example will be the choice of your tertiary education after O Levels, how many pursue what they really want in their life. Choices and the decisions I'm talking about are not like our everyday choice of what to eat and where to go, I'm referring to the important decisions we make in the milestone of our lives. Choose what you need instead of what people want, we cannot attribute decision making to what others has done before. This is because everyone is different. We need to explore our own instead of following blindly. We cannot choose things that seems easy for those who has done it, that's because they have already past that stage of decision making and obviously saying negative things about their decision does not reflect good upon them, and it will cause them to have the cognitive dissonance effect. In short, it doesn't always mean by following other people footsteps is the best choice, it can only be used for references.

Another important aspect I would consider linked to individualism is Creativity. Sadly I would feel that school nowadays are killing creativity, this is especially the case in Singapore where we have heard all along that our students are exam smart and not street smart. A test has been done sometime back where Singapore student compete against the Americans and Europeans in term of academic skills and our govt is always proud to announce we are amongst the forerunners. However, when it comes to personal context and creativity, those news are always being filtered away. Creativity gives you a personal touch, your kind of style that people look for, sums up to being your charisma. It's easy to find people on the street nowadays who has a university degree, the market is being flooded with these people. Yet it is one in a million to find someone who can sell your stuffs for you in adversity. That's because Singaporeans are not ready for change, not ready in this volatile world, and (I'm NOT favoring foreign "talents" here) because I believe we can do better if there's a overhaul in our education system. My solution to MOE is simply stop telling student WHAT it is, instead let the students ask WHY. Alter the exams questions, don't ask open-ended questions, leave it up to creativity. And we need specialist whom can nurture a student's speciality or at least train the teachers to be able to spot these talents.

I'm not afraid to admit that I think myself as a creative person, that's because I'm not afraid to venture out on my own, being the first to try, first to say thing. I have my limitations too, eg. in Singapore, your room for error is almost equivalent to zero, and that we cannot afford to fail. Tell me, when this world is filled with no room to display our talents, why would people even want to try. And that's why people follow blindly, and that's why creativity is slowly being murdered.

I strongly believe there's more than one way to do things. It's just that we have not tried hard enough to think about it, and to solve it. Individualism does not mean being selfish, it's about selfless. We should not keep knowledge away from people, yet we don't want copycats cause we want people to be self-reliant.

Only constant is change

I don't do things or say things for the sake of pleasing people. It's funny to see how certain people has low values inculcated in them, they live in their own life of a delusional world. Some people, do things to satisfy another person at the surface level yet bitch about them in private. Some people for that little bit of monetary reward will cast things aside such as friendship. This is what I've been observing since a long time back. I didn't know how to cherish relationship between friends, love, family till recent years, what happened then impact me so much that I changed as a person totally. So people, bring out your true self and meet the people around you. Don't be such a fake and do things just for the sake of doing it or whatsoever.

Anyway school started and attended lesson on ER and HRM already. ER and HRM seems to be closely knitted together which only made things kinda more complicated. HRM grouping is done and I'm glad to have 8 people running for the group project. Thats because this sem has too much project = too much work to be done. 韩信点兵，多多益善. Thats what I intend to do cause it's just the more the merrier and things get done faster. On the side note, i think i'm watching too much ancient shows like 3 Kingdoms and Water Margin & Art of War. I like it cause of the things I can learn from people who existed so long ago yet they can achieve so much. I tried imagining myself in their shoes and yet I think I won't be able to achieve as much as they do. Anyway, another reason is because of the strategy and man-management skills they used during those times can be applied to the current world, esp Sun Zi Bing Fa. =)

Heartbeat

我对你有一点动心
却如此害怕看你的眼睛
有那么一点点动心
一点点迟疑
不敢相信我的情不自禁
我对你有一点动心
不知结果是悲伤还是喜
有那么一点点动心
一点点迟疑
害怕爱过以后还要失去
人最怕就是动了情
虽然不想不看也不听
却陷入爱里

Awesome lyrics yea?

Next Up it the NDP theme song for 2011! I'm glad they took out the FUN PACK SONG. Lack of originality seriously.



Anyway, first time I managed to get the NDP tickets and it's gonna be a fun filled family event. =) In one week time I'll be starting school and I'm so 'HAPPY' to declare that I've 5 projects awaiting for me. Shit lah! How am I supposed to be able to handle them all, WAIT WAIT NO NO HOLD'ON! That's unlike of me, I strive under pressure & ace them all. =) 2 more years, 4 more sems and I'll be done with school. Alot of people are telling me they enjoyed schling more than working, but I have to say, I'm quite the exact opposite, I'm looking forward to working once again! I worked full-time (didn't hv the intentions to study @ that pt of time) and I enjoyed every single moment of my job! It's exactly that fun filled job that craved out the interest of HR in me and therefore I chose to study. Nonetheless, jiayou everyone.

Countdown

热情结束以后 冷静开始以后
时间开始怂恿 劝深爱的人放弃

白天不懂夜的黑

好歌一曲，

难道白天真的不懂夜的黑？

不容易

我从来没有正式的用华语在这里写，这还算是我的第一次。想想看，这样有点逗趣，因为常常说自己不是个很 angmoh 的人，但却每次都用英文来写，真的是互相矛盾。 总觉得用华语来交谈会比较有点亲切感，生为华人，我们不该忘了自己以流传的语言。可能这也是因为成长在一个华语的家族，所以对华语也不算生疏或嫌弃。而让我最看不起地是有些人会装个自高的行为，认为讲华语很俗气并不优雅，对于这些人，他们才是没学问，没价值观的人，不懂得怜惜与欣赏华语的好处。

看到现在的小孩们，一天到晚对学习有恐惧感，我也只能为他们感到悲哀及可怜。这也显示了我们的教育制度是有待改进，从前定的双语政策对我们这一代获益不浅，可是，随和经济的快速发展，我们是不是该好好的从新检讨目前的政策？来好好的教育与鼓励并且激发新一代人对华语的热诚呢。

把话题转回来，还是言归正传，说说自己吧。不到一个月的时间，又是一个新学期的开始，又要努力去争取好的成绩单，说不准下一个打包的人会不会是我。算了，还是别想太多。感情方面，我也已经麻木了许多，而现在也比以前开得开多了，可是从前发生的事我还无法完完全全的忘记，造成现在的阴影。我还以为我能够踏实的往前走，却没想到后头却跟上了从前不愉快的回忆，有时还真不知该如何面对是好。我不是忘不了她，而是我害怕，害怕会从倒覆辙的犯下错误，也不知道我还有没有勇气再次地怕起来。能走到今天的我，只能说：不简单啊。我一直都在盼望下一次的感情，希望它是我的最后一次，因为我累了，我也怕了。

怕是怕在我不能给予她我的全部，因为有一部分的我也随着之前的那段不愉快而死去，我是真的受伤了。我已经不能百分百地说我能好好的去爱一个人。我不喜欢对于人的不公平，也不想再度伤害任何人。目前遇见的女孩都很不错，但我能给的，可能不是他们想要的，也算是我有亏于他们吧。 真的有时难免会怀疑我是否天犯孤星，注定我将会活在一个人的世界里。

最近所发生的事，希望不是想象中的那个摸样。一切让他顺其自然，我还是别想太多的好。

怎么了 你累了 说好的 幸福呢
我懂了 不说了 爱淡了 梦远了

I do

Original by Wang Fei, though I like this ver. better as it gives a really Jazz feeling and the tender voice of Olivia Ong. =) Things hasn't been great since I came back from Bintan. I'm getting old cause of the seasick I flet. I don't feel like vomitting but just head spinning as if I was still on the ferry. I feel good on the sea yet when I'm home, my bed seems to be floating around. The waves are not that bad but somehow I just go this motion sickness that i loathe since I was young. This motion sickness of mine has even escalated to playing LAN games outside. Perhaps it's a sign that I should stop engaging in LAN which is bad for the heart, mind and soul.

I hope I can bring you out of the shell that you had been in for so long. If not, I'm willing to be in that shell with you.
我愿意为你 被放逐天际, 只要你真心 拿爱与我回应.

思念是一种很玄的东西
如影~随形
无声又无息出没在心底
转眼~吞没我在寂默里
我无力抗拒 特别是夜里 喔~
想你到无法呼吸
恨不能立即 朝你狂奔去
大声的告诉你~
愿意为你 我愿意为你
我愿意为你 忘记我姓名
就算多一秒 停留在你怀里
失去世界也不可惜
我愿意为你 我愿意为你
我愿意为你 被放逐天际
只要你真心 拿爱与我回应
什么都愿意
什么都愿意 为你

我无力抗拒 特别是夜里 喔~
想你到无法呼吸
恨不能立即 朝你狂奔去
大声的告诉你~
愿意为你 我愿意为你
我愿意为你 忘记我姓名
就算多一秒 停留在你怀里
失去世界也不可惜
我愿意为你 我愿意为你
我愿意为你 被放逐天际
只要你真心 拿爱与我回应
什么都愿意
什么都愿意 为你
我什么都愿意
什么都愿意 为你

Time

One more month before school starts and I'm definitely enjoying this holiday more than previous sem. I'm not gonna talk about what I have done so far during hols as I had already blogged somewhere, instead I'm looking forward to the events that had been line up ahead. (Steamboat, K Box, Badminton and Hockey!). I have a few movies on my list to watch this holiday.

Pirates of the Carribean - WATCHED

X-Men First Class - WATCHED

Kungfu Panda 2 -

Transformer 3 -

The Hangover 2 -

Had quite a few plans before exams but somehow, and surprisingly NONE is being fulfilled as of now. It's all either delayed (again?) or cancelled. Kinda tired of 空头支票.